Perfection

60: (April 2022)

Ah, the quest for perfection. The perfect vacation, the perfect job, the perfect relationship, the perfect life. The older I get, the more I realize that life is just one, long growth session, a long string of experiences in learning an essential lesson—that life is not perfect and we’re here to make mistakes. I am so much more at peace with this than I was years ago. It is liberating to let go of unrealistic expectations of what life should be and instead embrace what life is, including all the messiness.

Realizing that messing up and making mistakes is what life is all about is a relief. Of course, I still try to avoid mistakes, but I don’t beat myself up as much when I inevitably make them. Life is about what we make of the blunders. It’s all about being open to learning and growth, which is rarely accomplished without enduring some associated pain or discomfort. The upside of this is that it can lead to greater compassion for others when they mess up. It can also help in letting go of the foolishness of life that is so easy to get caught up in, and in being more willing to compromise.

I held a brand new baby grandson last weekend, one of the joys of a second marriage and wonderful step-children and spouses who have beautiful children. Yet holding that little bundle of sweetness, fresh into the world on the breath of creation, I knew I was witnessing perfection, a perfection that didn’t require any doing on his part or anyone else’s.

Babies help remind us that we all came into the world perfect: complete, whole, and lovable, just as we are. We do not have to perform, we do not have to get everything right. We are human, and we will surely make mistakes.

If only we could remember that it’s okay to go through life just as we are, and then give it our best shot. It’s all we can do—and it’s good enough!

40: (April 2002)

I was reading over a journal entry of mine from several years ago. My daughters were 1 and 4 years old. The little one was trying to take a nap and her sister inadvertently disturbed her; she tried to “help” by removing one of the toys her sister was fingering. I spoke to my older daughter harshly, then felt bad, gave her a hug, and apologized. I explained that I knew she was only trying to help and asked her to forgive me. “I always forgive you,” she had said. “It’s okay. You’re just a Mom. You’re not a goddess or anything. You can’t help it!”

I couldn’t have been more pleased by her response. I was glad that she realized that I was human, and happy that she felt free to tell me her thoughts. It took me 20 years or so to realize that my own mother was only human and that it was alright for mothers to make mistakes. I think there was something in the style of parenting in my parents’ generation that made them want us to believe they were infallible. It made authority easier to maintain if it wasn’t questioned.

It is humbling to be brought to task by children. I must admit that I usually cringe when they sweetly tell me that I am not sounding kind, or that they would listen better if I did not yell. Sometimes my spirit is not up to it. Sometimes I want to let off steam, to lash out in frustration or anger. But their words reach into me with their truth, a mirror is held before me, and I try to change my behavior.

We all make mistakes; it is part of being human. It has taken me more than a few year of parenting to realize that, and to accept who I am instead of torturing myself by trying to live up to a self-made expectation that I could be a perfect parent. My daughters are both comfortable and clear-sighted about our shared humanity. And in their pure innocence and love, they show me how easy it is to forgive transgressions—those of others as well as our own—and to feel love just the same.

I feel blessed to be “just a mom.” No goddess could ask for more.

60-40:

Mothering has certainly been the biggest challenge in my life in terms of being hard on myself for making mistakes. As a parent, we get trained ‘on the job;’ as such, we inevitably get lots of things wrong! When our precious children bear the brunt of those errors, it’s particularly hard to abandon the quest for perfection and not berate ourselves for making mistakes throughout life’s journey.

It’s much easier now that I’m older—and they’re older. Three plus decades into parenting, and I think I’m getting the hang of it!

But life always has challenges of one sort or another. We’re all blundering through, no matter how ‘perfect’ some lives might look on the outside. Be easy on yourself. Life may not be perfect, but you are!