Cherish

60: (January 2020)

Here I am at age 62, when I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that some things are beginning to happen with greater frequency; more people I know are dying or suffering from serious chronic illnesses. Of course this is bound to happen as years turn into decades of life, years graced with deceptively boundless times with friends and family. There were loved ones lost along the way or who were struck with serious diseases, but they were the exception, not the norm. There’s no way to escape the current reality that the new norm includes a steady stream of difficult news.  

Sometimes the news is about people with whom I was not particularly close, such as a member of my college gradation class who passed away this month. Although I did not keep in touch with this acquaintance, his passing was painful; he was a very good person, and I feel sad for his family and that he’s gone. Other news hits much closer to the heart. A member of my extended family is dealing with breast cancer, and I think of her every day, just as I do my oldest friend in the world, from elementary school days, who is being treated for esophageal cancer. Then there are older family members who are dealing with challenging chronic illnesses. And so it goes.

This is the same story as that of any other typical person my age; it’s just part of life. The thing is, I’ve been gradually transitioning into this new stage of life over the past few years, but have only lately became fully aware of it. Although it seemed sudden, in reality it’s been a gradual process. I slipped out of one stage and into another, but it didn’t happen overnight, and I didn’t immediately realize it was happening. So in this latest phase of life, I need to learn how to navigate through all of this news with greater equanimity, growing in compassion, but not letting sadness or worry consume me.

On the other end of the spectrum, this stage of life is also ushering in grandchildren. With my fairly recent second marriage came official grandmother status to three beautiful grandchildren, the third born just last week! That’s part of this life stage as well, bringing in welcome lightness and balance.

Each day provides ample opportunities to learn how to become better at expressing love, providing comfort, and being supportive. I’d like to become better practiced at how to focus a laser beam of love and gratitude for the people who have been and continue to be part of my life’s journey in ways both large and small.

I spoke on the phone with an out-of-town friend who is in her 80s last week. We speak to each other only once a year or so, and before we got off the phone, she told me how much our friendship has meant in her life. She brought me to tears, and I said I felt like she was talking as if she were about to die. She responded that you never know, and why not tell people what’s deepest in your heart while you can? Wise words.  

40: (January 2000)

I have a friend who makes a very good cup of coffee. I indulge in one every Friday morning in her big farm kitchen by the wood stove, in the company of several other women. Four years ago this friend was a stranger, and I did not drink coffee at all, having sworn off caffeine. Then a mutual friend invited me to the weekly gathering, and I have been hooked ever since, to both the coffee and the sociability of the circle of friends.

At first the common denominator between the women seemed to be a love of knitting, and I quickly became enamored with the craft as well. Along with the knitting needles, the warm homemade breads offered, and the strong coffee, friendships have grown. I discovered that these women were not merely drawn together by the bonding of their children, as is often the case with mothers of little ones, but came together out of a broad range of mutual interests. Of course, children have always been heartily welcomed and play together all morning, but I have relished these weekly gatherings over the past four years as grown-up time—my time to enjoy being with friends.

With all the responsibilities and obligations a mother has, it is easy to dispense with any time that might be devoted to cultivating meaningful adult friendships. It’s very easy for mothers to put family needs above their own and to quickly fill up every available minute with doing things for and with the family. I have cherished my Friday mornings as a weekly oasis: a time to be nurtured by friendship, allow my fingers two solid hours to be creative, let my mind relax, and indulge in a caffeinated cup of coffee with lots of warmed milk in it. Simple pleasures, but they refresh me and add richness to my life.

This weekly ritual of meeting with friends to share a bit of life has been a gift. I thank my friend for opening her home every week and for providing such fertile ground for friendship to blossom. As for the coffee, if I breathe deeply I can already smell it brewing.

60-40:

I can get caught up in the minutiae of life so easily. I feel like it’s my “default mode.” The weekly coffee with friends had been a good way to schedule in one morning a week to be sure to focus on friendships. I’m a scheduler; I still do regular coffee dates, Skype times, and phone calls to ensure that I take the time to stay awake to what’s important in my life—my family and friends.

Aging makes it a little easier to focus on what matters, thanks to living closer to the edge of mortality issues. It makes me less apt to take the people in my life for granted, and more likely to cherish them, as they so justly deserve.