A Time to Contemplate

60: (December 2020)

This week is finally here. Christmas week – and the winding down of the calendar year. Time to sink into stolen times of quiet reflection on the year that is now counting its days, and within a week or so, hours. Then it will be over. This crazy, turbulent year will be over.

Those of us who are the lucky ones have lived through it. And while the world stage has been one of intense drama, surely all of us have had our share of rather typical humdrum days mixed into our year. While all of us have had to make personal choices on a daily basis regarding wearing masks, social distancing, and so much more, much of life goes by as usual. We still do the laundry. We still make the tea in the morning and make sure the milk isn’t spoiled. We still wonder if we’ll lose electricity again in the next big storm, or whether we should try out a new recipe for pumpkin pie for the holidays. So much of life still happens, just as before. But I wonder what lessons I’m meant to take from this strange year into my daily life, my ordinary moments.

The word ‘cherish’ comes to mind. I cherish the people in my life even more than before. If a pandemic doesn’t stop you in your tracks to make you think more deeply of those you love and what they mean to you, nothing will! I am also more in awe of the human body. It is capable of withstanding a lot, although it’s not invincible — but I do believe that the spirit is. I believe we are way more than the flesh and bones that give each of us physical form.

Which brings me to Christmas. Each year I seem to be increasingly weary of the commercialism that has been packed around this sacred holiday. But Christmas is like a geode; that which is truly beautiful is contained within. The real sparkle of Christmas is not hanging on a tree or lighting up the roofline of a home. The sparkle is the message of hope that the birth of Jesus brings. No matter what religion a person ascribes to (including no religion at all), the message that a vulnerable, innocent baby is a messenger and conveyor of peace and love is a message that sparkles throughout time. It stands up against senseless hatred, and it shines a beacon across an ailing world in dire need of a dose of goodness and hope. It is that spirit that will live on long after the pandemic is but a memory, and long after our bodies have finished serving their earthly purpose.

40: (December 2000)

There is a breathing ratio that has felt lifesaving. Breathe in for four counts, hold the breath for seven, breathe out for eight, and then repeat. I read about the ratio in Dr. Weil’s book, 8 Weeks to Optimal Health, and it has helped me breathe on several occasions during panic attacks.

A few years ago, I had never heard of panic attacks. Now I am intimately familiar with them. They make me feel like I am suffocating, and I have to gasp for air. Stress is often at the root of these physical symptoms. I get them very rarely now, but a few years ago I got them a lot when I was dealing with an unrelated health problem that was worsening despite medical intervention. I felt like things were out of my control, and I was afraid. I remember my first panic attack vividly.

It was the middle of the night, and I awoke with a start. “What’s happening?” I thought. “Why can’t I breathe?”  The realization that it was difficult to draw in air filled me with anxiety. My heart pounded furiously, and the feeling that I needed to crawl out of my body so that I could escape my constricted air passageways was intense. Gradually, over the course of an hour, it went away.

The episode was extremely scary, and I was terrified that it would happen again, which it did, repeatedly and seemingly randomly, over the next several weeks. I had taken breathing for granted all my life, and now I longed to enjoy this simple gift again. A good friend who had also experienced panic attacks advised me to go into the anxiety. In essence, I needed to face the fears that were at the heart of my stress in order to find relief. To embrace fear is to defuse it; to avoid it is to empower it. Relief from my anxiety came gradually, as I forced myself to face the fears that I had built up concerning the illness, rather than trying to hold them at bay. I could breathe again, and the panic attacks subsided.

Once in a while I still use the 4:7:8 breathing pattern when I feel stress building up within me. I remind myself to accept and face what is on life’s path, to respond to my anxiety not by tightening my grip, but by releasing my hold.

And as I take a deep breath, I also remind myself to be thankful for this simple gift. It is breathtaking!

60-40:

Deep breaths are something we all need right now. People suffering physically from COVID may need a ventilator to help them breathe. People suffering emotionally from the stress of living through these times may need to be reminded to breathe consciously to conquer anxiety. Deep breathing is something we take for granted until it becomes challenging. How many other gifts do we have that we take for granted, not realizing how precious they are until they’re gone?

Deep breathing, meditating, praying – contemplating on everything and everyone to cherish and all there is to be grateful for – these are good things to make time for in the final days of the year. There are so many gifts to be acknowledged.